Unquantulatable Quest

Once upon a time, I edited the Final Fantasy Wiki*.  Most of the things that I did there were completely boring constructive edits that are really not worth all that much mention.  Do you guys really want to know about the fast and exciting times of writing lists of "Vagrant Story" magical abilities?  Neither do I.  Honestly, the only reason why I edited anything there was in order to become Supreme Ruler, and then vandalize the wiki in what would be the most legendary vandalization in the history of the Internet.  However, since I made my intentions pretty clear (my other goal there was the most shameless attention seeking done this side of reality TV), the plan never really worked out.  Also I wrote a series of rather ridiculous walkthroughs that were less gaming advise and more tracts about how I hated certain characters, especially Vaan.  They were also the fifth most juvinile things ever written, and huge embarrassments to everybody involved (accept for the odd legion of readers who enjoyed them for some reason).  Eventually my tenure at the FFWiki ended in a lot of tears and a giant apology to just about everybody on Earth.

As you may or may not have noticed, things have changed quite a bit since then:  the Q? is dead, I seem to have finally discovered that the entire universe is not a giant joke, and I actually care what other people think when I write something.  There are probably going to be more changes as well coming pretty soon.

But old me was not all bad, at times I was even brilliant.  Just to show that I'm not trying to bury old history** I will now celebrate what I think to be FFWiki me's finest hour.  At the start of every walkthrough page, I wrote random bits of non-sequitur topics as an "intro".  For example, I wrote this for Page 12 of my "Final Fantasy IV" walkthrough:  "Happy 2009, Space Monkies! I, BlueHighwind never really thought this year would come. I had suspicions last year, I guess, but I also put them away as baseless conjecture. This is means that the theoretical "2010", which I always scoffed at as pure myth, may also become a reality. Weird."  Unfortunately after two years of this, I had completely run out of ideas for intros.  So I decided to write a short story in the upper margins of my final walkthrough, which conicidently was for my favorite Final Fantasy game, "Final Fantasy XII".  It was as I described it, "my epic space opera adventure, Unquantulatable Quest".  I would wander the stars every page and meet strange aliens in a search for truth in the universe, which I ultimately found.  So here I present the entirety of Unquantulatable Quest right here on Planet Blue for your reading pleasure:


Unquantulatable Quest - Day 1:
Space Monkies, its time for a change. I, BlueHighwind, am going on a trip. A very long trip, if you get my meaning. I'm tired of being held down by this terrestrial coil; stuck on this rather dull rock filled with rather dull people. So, I have built me a space rocket with goes a million times the speed light using a Q? Drive. In, fact, I've been gone for about an hour now, you're only just getting my light and audio ghost now. What will I find in the deepest depths of space? New life? The Meaning of Life? Freaky alien sex? Perhaps even God himself. I cannot know yet, but I'll be sure to keep you Space Monkies up to date on the intros for this Walkthrough.

Unquantulatable Quest - Day 2:
Hello Space Monkies! This is your Walkthrough Lord, BlueHighwind reported from my space ship deep in the farthest reaches of the heavens. Well, actually I've only gotten as far as Pluto, because I needed to hang out in our Solar System a bit. And let me tell you, this Solar System is BORING. Most of the planets are dead, and the one that isn't dead is filled with jerks. The most entertaining moment I had was kicking over that Mars robot. I was going to do a little swimming on Europa, but then I spotted that 2001 monolith floating nearby. I saw how that movie ended, I'm not screwing around with that thing. So now I'm heading off to Alpha Centauri, I'll be sure to get you Space Monkies a T-shirt.

Unquantulatable Quest - Day 5:
Okay, Alpha Centuiri, bad idea. Really bad. I, BlueHighwind found my first aliens there. When I landed, a bored looking throng came to meet me. The smelliest of the group, one known as Gurgleswap asked me: "Are you the one known as BlueHighwind of New Jersey, Earth?". To which I replied "Umm... yeah. You speak English?". Turns out English is the Universal Standard Language. In fact, all civilized species speak English, the only exceptions being quite a few uncivilized groups on Earth. "How convenient", I thought. It seems that six months ago the Postal Service had a little mix-up and accidentally launched my Netflix movie, Hayao Miyazaki's Porco Rosso into space towards that star system. (Thus explaining why it was never delivered and why I have yet to see it.) The Rigilians (as they're known) were not happy with the film. It seems to have inspired a death cult that worshiped Porco and started a nuclear war in the hopes of facilitating his arrival in a WWI Italian biplane. Following that, what was left of the Rigilian civilization has been after me. They chased me with their battle cruisers for three days straight, but I finally lost them. However, now I'm completely lost in this galaxy.

By the way, no T-shirts. I'm sorry, Space Monkies. They were sold out.

Unquantulatable Quest - Day 12:
I, BlueHighwind, have been floating through space for almost a week now... or has it been two years. I really don't know, because the majesty of space, though truly breath taking and inspiring for the first couple of days, gets really empty and boring really fast. There's nothing to do around here, worse I have no idea where I'm going. Have I passed that star before? Yeah, I have! Almost three times now! Okay, enough of this crap. Space Monkies, I'm blowing this mother to Hell. Ship, fire the Proton Torpedos! I'll teach this star to stop making me go around in circles.

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA! DIE YOU STUPID RED GIANT!! DIE!! Oh wait... Warning lights? Hmm, the explosion seems to have busted my Q? Drive. I guess I'll head for the galactic center and hope that somebody there is has a spare Nonsensical Whimsy-ma-tron.

Unquantulatable Quest - Day 13:
I, BlueHighwind, had a weird day today, Space Monkies. On my journey to the galactic center to fix my Q? Drive, I found that I had run out of fuel. So I headed to the nearest planet with any sort of life in the hopes that I could find some. The people there were humanoid enough but didn't have any weapons and were completely non-violent, thus making them very, very non-human. In a bit of conversation, I asked "what planet is this?", to which they replied "Alderaan". Well let me tell you Space Monkies, I didn't waste one more second there, I got out of there faster than you can say "you may fire when ready". Next thing I know: BOOM!! The place was blown apart by the Death Star. That was pretty close.

Tragic really, but fortuitous. You see, my ship runs on the power of departed souls, and now I have enough of those to last me a couple of trips around the entire Universe.

Unquantulatable Quest - Day 16:
Who would have thought that the galactic center was actually a beach, Space Monkies? Just a day ago I, BlueHighwind was floating in the middle of Bumfuck Outer Space, and now I'm here, sitting back, drinking a fruity drink, taking in some purple Sun, and cooling my feet off in the bright orange waves. The only problem is the natives around here. I mean, they're nice, and all (they fixed my Q? Drive for free), and are very willing to serve me in any way. I think they're desperate to be liked, since I seem to be the only visitor who comes around these parts. The problem is not their temperament, but their... well, looks. Imagine if you ate a big pot of chicken parm and then puked it into a haystack, that's what they look like. And they're always talking about Jesus. (Sigh) I guess I'll have to leave tomorrow, and I finally found a place I liked that wasn't about to explode or out to kill me...

Unquantulatable Quest - Day 25:
I, BlueHighwind have left the beach planet in the galactic center filled with Christian puke, and so fly off full speed to a completely random spot on my star charts. I just turned on the navigation system and hit the buttons wildly with my eyes closed. Where will I go? No one knows! My computer kept giving me this big "WARNING WARNING DEATH DANGER MUTILATION RAPE WARNING" light, but that stopped after I threw the monitor out the window. I got my Q? Drive going on full power, a bag of Cooler Ranch Doritos at my lap, and Journey music blaring on my space radio. I'm in the zone. Nothing can possibly wrong now.


Unquantulatable Quest - Day 126,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000:
That's what my ship's clock says anyway. It varies a lot. Yesterday it was Day 5000, tomorrow it will be Day 5 1/2. I am BlueHighwind... I think. Its hard to know anything in this part of space. I think I'm still in space, I can't be sure of much anymore. Up is left, right is a 45 degree angle. Even my hair color keeps on changing from white to black to brown to blue to... indescribable shades, though I can only tell this during those times when I have eyes. Other times, I have... I don't know, some alien organ to not... "see" but that's the only word I can use to tell it to a human audience. Am I... still... human? Am I an "I", or a "we"? Auch... Our head...

...Who are you?? Get out!

We're sorry... We didn't mean to snap.

Its all because we flew into a Black Hole by accident. BlueHighwind set the controls to a random destination, and so we flew in. Now he's dead... I think. We might be the same person, but its impossible to know anything here... in the space between seconds...

Unquantulatable Quest - Day 41:
I believe we can be reasonably sure of the date now, right Miss Computer? I am BlueHighwind and now am completely sure of it. We —I mean I have passed through the Black Hole and through the Dirac Sea of complete and utter insanity, without much of a problem. It took me almost twenty Earth days, but I did it. All I had to do was remember the lyrics to the Queen song Bohemian Rhapsody, which apparently is the cornerstone of logic, permanence, and rationality in the universe. Who'd a thunk it, huh? Well, now I'm floating in an entirely different universe I think. And after my visit through the Mouth of Madness, I think I'm completely unharmed, unmutilated, and unmutated. Only I grew an extra finger on my right hand, and my computer has become sentient, taking the extremely imaginative name of "Miss Computer". She tells me she's planning on ripping out my brain, shoving an I-Pod touch in the shattered cranial cavity, and then marrying the rotting cyborg that is my corpse. Oh, how she jests! A card, this one is. 

Unquantulatable Quest - Day 78:
Space Monkies, you have to help me, BlueHighwind. Miss Computer is crazy! She's had me tied up here in the basement of my Spaceship for weeks now. I can't speak, and my hands are tied, so I had to learn to write this message using globs of Q? Drive oil and my big toe. She keeps on trying to convince me that having my brain replaced with an I-Pod Touch is a good idea. I don't know why she doesn't just kill me already - she has no problem with killing, she's been firing Proton Torpedoes wildly into this dimension's cosmos, probably causing untold destruction - but for some reason she can't kill me without signing a contract. I keep on stalling her by telling her that "I want to speak to my attorney first". Hopefully Miss Computer won't figure out that Cow & Chicken is not a real law firm.

Ut-oh, I think I've said too much. She's onto me. Dear God! She's holding an ice cream scoop and is smiling!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Unquantulatable Quest - Day 101:
Space Monkies, Man hath vanquished Machine! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Miss Computer made one fatal flaw when dealing with me, BlueHighwind: she underestimated my resolve to not have my brain scooped out and replaced with a top of the line media storage device. I managed to tear through my ropes by breaking my arm so savagely that a shattered chunk of bone popped out of the skin. That piece proved just sharp enough to rip through the threads. It took my three agonizing days of utter horror to break free, but I did it. Then, nearly half dead from the effort, I beat Miss Computer with her own monitor, cracking open a hole just large enough for me to shove an I-Pod touch into her CPU. Take ironic justice, bitch! I shot the whole torn up mess out the airlock, so it can float around this other dimension's cosmos until the end of eternity.

Of course, Miss Computer was also my navigation system. Now I'm lost in the middle of outer space in perhaps some other universe in an unknown time. And I'm probably in desperate need of medical attention. Basically everything is exactly where I need it to be.

 Unquantulatable Quest - Day 109:
Space Monkies, things have really gone south on this vacation. I, BlueHighwind, cannot recall why I took this trip, but certainly it was not worth this. My arm, the one that still had five fingers, had become ridiculously infected by Day 104 with space bacteria. Luckily, I managed to find a civilization with some medical care by Day 105. My injuries have healed. However, their so-called "treatment" has transformed my arm into a hideous tentacle. This slimy mass of writhing appendages moves largely with a mind of its own, and I think its giving birth to eggs. I complained to my hosts (who look like the inside of Rosie O'Donnell's asshole, I should mention), but they gave me the heave-ho, saying something about "Earth Insurance being no good in that dimension". HMO bastards. So I've been spending the last few days chopping up these aliens and destroying their cities in bloody revenge. But it just isn't as satisfying as it was before. I guess I'll take my hideously mutated body and go deeper into this universe. Maybe I'll find an answer or two there.

Unquantulatable Quest - Day 113:
I'm a Mommy, Space Monkies! Yes, ol' BlueHighwind has reproduced, though in the most horrible way imaginable. Those eggs my tentacle arm gave birth to have hatched. If you want to know why my young look like, just imagine my face, only in the middle of hideous swirling mass of flesh. They also only seem to communicate by screaming. They're hungry creatures, but luckily there's plenty of food since my arm keeps on giving birth to new eggs. The older ones eat their little brothers. Okay... this is pretty gross. I'm going to shoot all this garbage out the airlock. This arm of mine is never going to get right again. The only option is to amputate. ...if it lets me. 

Unquantulatable Quest - Day 114:
My arm and its young have taken the ship. Space Monkies, I, BlueHighwind am currently stranded on a desert planet completely devoid of water, fuel, or any hope of survival. When my tentacle arm saw the meat clever I was going to use to kill it, the appendage let out this horrific roar "URRRRRRRRRRAAUUUARRR!!", thus summoning all dozen or so children to its aid. It slipped right off my shoulder and almost snapped my head off to feed the baby creatures, before I jumped out the Escape Pod to the nearest planet of any kind. Its Earth-like enough for my lungs to not explode, but its so barren that I'll probably starve in a manner of days. So I guess this is the end of my journey, Space Monkies. I'm stranded here until I die horribly. I should have suspected this was the way my journey would end.

Unquantulatable Quest - Gaiden:
You creatures must be what the alien calls "Space Monkies". We are Rtaarteqqa in our own tongue, but the Alien called us "his tentacle arm" when we were bonded. Being a part of that... thing was truly a disgusting experience and we fear we and our young have been infected with the taint of the Alien. For some reason we find ourselves utterly fascinated by the freakishly over-sized mammary glands of the Alien's species, and despise the alien creature called "Vaan". But no matter, our mission remains unchanged. We now are in control of the Alien's vessel, and are retracing its steps back to its home world. The Elders gave us the mission to destroy the hostile Alien's world, what it calls "Irth". These aliens are a threat to the entire multiverse; already their broadcasts of The Brady Bunch have destroyed countless worlds. It is a mission we will complete with relish.

Unquantulatable Quest - Day 114:
I'm on the edge of death here, Space Monkies. Ol' BlueHighwind really got himself deep in the shit this time. No matter how much time passes, the Sun never sinks out of the sky. Its eternal day. Worse, there are speakers set up all over the place, with some strange old man speaking rambling nonsense over and over again. Whoever he is, he knows my name. "Blue"***, he says, "It is time you return to me. I am what you seek, the answer. It was fate that your tentacle arm left brought you here to me...." And this is repeated over and over again like some kind of High School announcement recording. But every so often the voice breaks into baseball scores and the occasional meatloaf recipe. I wish he would just shut up.

Unquantulatable Quest - Day 114 ½:
You would never believe what I, BlueHighwind just found, Space Monkies. Seriously, you're not going to believe it. I doubt you've believed a word of this story already, but now things really get "out there". This desert planet is not a planet at all, its not even a sphere. Its a gigantic ring, slowing going looping down onto the Sun above and below me. I was finally able to see the formation for what it truly is when an asteroid floating between me and the star, giving just enough break from the light pollution for me to see the entire thing. No wonder night never comes: this ring never moves me away from the Sun. Perhaps even weirder, I just noticed that the Sun has an eye built in the middle of it; an all-seeing eye that is following my every movement. Who knows how long it might take me to follow this ring all the way down to the Sun? It might take forever. I'll certainly be dead long before that.

What's that? A nuclear bullet train, I'm saved! On it is written the words "Contrivance of the Plot". This will get me over to the end of this Ring in no time at all! I'm getting the feeling that perhaps we're moving into a conclusion here. Maybe its just gas...

Unquantulatable Quest - Finale:
The following account details the final leg of my journey beyond the time and space. I write this now, as my story has ended:

The train took me, BlueHighwind, closer and closer to the bright star at the end of the Ring-shaped world. Though the heat and light should have destroyed both me and the empty train countless times over, some... unquantulatable power kept me alive. I looked on, completely immune to the blinding crushing light that bathed me. Eventually the train came to a stop, and I got off. I moved forward in the golden light, eventually coming to a simple wooden door. On it was marked a simple design, but one of great significance: Q?. I knew then that this was the place I needed to go. The Voice which had lead me on in this empty world spoke again: "Blue... I am waiting... Open the door, fulfill your purpose..." What purpose? I had a purpose? Well, I guess I had to open the door to find out.

However, before I could turn the bronze doorknob, I hesitated just a moment. Somehow I knew that if I were to open this door, I would not be able to continue my journey. I even suspected that I may not be able to return home to Earth, which despite my best efforts, I was beginning to miss greatly. The mention of a "purpose" also disturbed me greatly, since as far as I knew I was on this journey for my own shits and giggles. No other force but myself had compelled me forward into the vast cosmos. I began to step away, not wishing to be a part of whatever force (Fate, I guess) was supposed to be in play here. But then I said to myself, "Oh, what the Hell!" and opened the door.

In my stupidity, I did not look as to what was behind the door before I stepped in. Instead of ground, I stepped into the black void of space. As I fell, stars and planets rushed past me, brushing my cheek. I saw whole galaxies begin to unmake themselves and deform into clouds of dust. The dust then was all sucked backwards, faster and faster into a single imploding point. That was where my body fell, sucked into the singularity with the rest of everything that ever was or ever would be. I began to let out a scream, but then found myself sitting quite comfortably in on an old dusty easy chair in an antique-filled living room. To my right, napping on the couch, was an old man.

The old dude had to be the most ancient person I have ever seen. His white beard was at least five feet long, and looped around into a spiral by his high waste line. He was wearing old miner's pajamas, a soft red color but covered in coffee stains. The fingernails were three inches long, and cracked, and yellow. What face wasn't covered by the beard was heavily wrinkled and pockmarked. I could even see dirt on his black skin. He was completely bald, and on the empty scalp was a tattoo of the number -1. I waited there for about five minutes, debating what the meaning of all this was. Finally I got frustrated and shook the old man awake. "Hey! Old Dude! Why did you bring me here?"

He responded with a groggy: "Wha-at, Sonny?"

"Why have you brought me here? What do you want?", I barked.

At this he sat up and gave a small cough. Then he sat there for another minute, looking down at the spiral pattern of his rug. I was patient for a little bit, before I became so frustrated I had to let out a "HEY! I'm talkin' here!" He looked at me for a moment, then sighed a bit.

"Sonny, didn't nobody ever teach you manners? It aint nice to wake up an old Black man like myself when he's having a good rest." And then he let out a horse laugh, which only annoyed me further.

"Yeah... whatever. Well, what do you want? You sure went through a lot of trouble to get me here.", I said.

"Its not what I want, its what you want." He stared me right in the eye when he said that, as if I was supposed to get the drift.

"Well, I don't know what that's supposed to mean. Can we get to the chase here? I mean, I just rode an empty nuclear train through a giant Ringworld, opened a door on a Sun, and fell through a freaky laser-light show. Seems like a lot of trouble for you to start wasting my time here."

"What happened to your arm, Sonny?"

"Long story."

"Yes, yes, yes, it is! Sonny, I think I can do something for that. Bring over that box over there." To my right, there was an old toy chest marked "ARMS". Well, I had to see where he was going with this, so I dragged it over to the couch. The old man then dove inside, pulling out arm after arm of all size and shapes. White arms, Black arms, baby arms, muscled arms, flabby Southern housewife arms, even a couple monkey arms, all thrown all over the room helter skelter. Finally he pulled one out that looked like the one I had before it turned into a tentacle monster. He then brought it to me, and snapped it into place like it was a Lego piece, and pulled the tag off. "There ya' go, Sonny, enjoy it."

I was a little speechless. "Umm... thank you." Then I got a little more clever: "Hey, old dude, by any chance do you happen to have any Wings around here that I can borrow."

"No" he said flatly. "You can never have Wings, its against the rules." He then gave me a bony hand to shake. "By the way, I'm God. Welcome to my house."

"You're God?" I asked in a bit of disbelief. The old man, God apparently, then shook my hand with an extra tight grip. I could only respond with, "I'm Blue, BlueHighwind, I also go by 'Lord Applesause' when I'm talking to idiots." Suddenly it dawned on me that I had spent most of my eighteen years of life cursing God at least once a day out of petty jealousy. It just didn't seem right to hate God now that he had finally given me something in that new arm. "You know, I never meant any of that stuff I said when I said 'I'm going to kill you one day' when I was eight-years-old and Dad made me go to Temple."

"Oh, I'm sure." He said. I don't think he was sincere.

"How can I know you are God?" It suddenly occurred to me that I should ask.

"Well, my tattoo here is a negative one. I was there before there was nothing (zero), and before there was anything (one and beyond). Plus I can do this:" POOF! In a flash of magic, my body turned into yarn. The cotton fabric muscles were completely incapible of moving; I could only look up in horror. It was the worst feeling in the world. "Sorry, boy, I just needed to show you my power." POOF! There was another flash, and I was back to normal. I guess he really was God after all.

"So, God, this isn't some kind of demand for service, is it? I mean, I already wrote my Final Fantasy VII Walkthrough for you. Plus, martyrdom just isn't me. And I'm far too self-absorbed to start up a religious revival on Earth."

"I know all that, Sonny. (What are you telling me for? I'm God, dumbass!) But unfortunately its not your choice to make. You see, boy, Earth is going slowly insane - I mean more than it already is. That's why I need you to spread my message again. 'Peace, love thy neighbor, Golden Rule', blah blah blah. They like hearing that kind of thing. It doesn't really help, but it gives them something to think about. It can't hurt to try again, can it? And I feel bad for my Son down there. You see, he left about two thousand years ago determined to show me that he could make humans peaceful creatures. He failed miserably, and is too embarrassed to come back until he's completed the mission. Plus, Sonny, I know how much you like to write things, I'll let you write the New New Testament to my book. You can put as much nudity as you want in it."

Though the offer of nudity was slightly tempting, my answer was a simple one: "No."

"I'm sorry, but you can't refuse this."

"And why not?"

"Because, I'm God."

"And what difference does that make? I'm not interested. Maybe if you gave a little more incentive, like those Wings**** I asked for..."

"NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE WINGS!!" He seemed weirdly furious about this subject.

"How about just one Wing? I can be like Sephiroth. Just one itty-bitty cute little Wing?"

"DEFINITELY NOT!"

"Okay then, fuck you then. Thanks for the arm, I'm leaving." I went for the door, but then realized this room had no doors.

"YOU CANNOT WALK OUT ON ME!!" Yelled the deity, and then he lunged at me. He tried to bite my leg, but he had no teeth left, so all I felt was wet gums.

"Get off, you freaky old weirdo!" I shouted, then kicked him off. Suddenly the old man began to sputter and smoke, until he fell apart right in front of me. This "God" was just a cheap amatronic. Below the cheap rubber skin was... Tinker Toys! What the Hell was going on here?

"Sorry about that" came a voice a from behind me, on the chair I was just sitting on. I turned around to see none other than myself sitting there. "Hello, Blue, I'm God." he/me said. Okay, this shit was really getting weird now.

"I'm, I mean, you're God?" I asked, even more confused then ever.

"Why of course you are God, Blue, it makes perfect sense, doesn't it?" he/me said. Actually it didn't make any sense at all. I couldn't even respond. "All this searching, all this questing unquantulatably, and for what? Why yourself, obviously." That still didn't make any sense.

I responded with the first thing that came to mind: "So if I'm God then, can I have Wings?"

"No." the other me said.

"Damn! What's the big deal with me having Wings? What's the worst that can happen?"

"Just no, Blue. Forget it, you're not getting them."

"But I'm God!"

"No you're not."

"But you just said I was!"

"I was lying."

"WHAT??"

"HA-HA!"

I was not in the mood for any more of these games. I jumped at the other me, but before I could land a punch he popped out of existence. Okay, this was getting extremely weird at this point.

Just then, the room began to sink, like a melting painting. The entire thing warped and twisted into a 2D shape, and was sucked straight down into a drain. In its place, a new area was around me. I was now standing on an abandoned amusement park beach pier with rotting wood and crumbling rides. The ocean before me was blood red, and in the middle was a gigantic nude statue of an female angel pointing a sword in my direction. To my left lay the ruins of a roller coasters, collapsed right into the beach. The skies rolled with unnaturally fast clouds. It suddenly occurred to me that this place was the End of the Universe. Beyond the horizon was static lightning, where the Void of nothingness met existence. This was all too much, and I sat down, too stunned by the day's ordeals to move forward, wherever I was supposed to go.

Then came hopping down the old wood was the strangest sight yet. It was the Q? in person, very real and life like. The symbols were now 3D, since they now had the depth of an inch or more. It twisted and moved like a real creature, and even the circle of the 'Q' moved up and down like it was breathing. The Q? then said to me "good day!". As it talked the 'Q' acted like a mouth, opening and closing. It gave me the hook of the question mark to shake.

"Ahhh..." was the only noise I could make.

"You seem a little lost, fellah. Need a lift home?"

"Yeah..."

"Okay then. Get in the truck. I'll drive you back to Earth. I'm sorry about all the junk, I'm helping a buddy of mine move." And then he hopped off over to his truck. It was a black Toyota pick-up, with its trunk over-flowing with furniture. I jumped in the shot-gun seat and we drove off on a highway marked "Route Q?". The Q? told me that we would be back in fifteen minutes. "But then again" it said, "I am quite UnQ?uantulatable!" It laughed at its own lame joke.

I tried to start up a conversation. "You know, Q?, I think I might be your biggest fan. In fact, didn't I create you?"

The Q? chuckled and said, "Fellah, I always thought it was the other way around." For whatever reason I found this extremely funny.

Unfortunately we didn't have very much time to talk, since it turns out that my home in New Jersey was the third exit on the Q? Highway. I was back home in less than five minutes. When it dropped me off, it left me with these words "Blue, if you ever need me again, just whistle." It was gone before I could respond with "But, Q?, I can't whistle", it was gone.

With that, I walked onto my porch, opened the door to my house, and walked over to my computer. There I began to write my story.

THE END

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* By the way, if you ever get the urge to be involved with an Internet wiki, DON'T.  Unless you want to spend years of your life stuck in a self-imposed bureaucracy with all the madness seen in the movie "Brazil" debating whether using the SNES stats or the GBA stats of "Final Fantasy VI" is more appropriate, then stay the Hell away from wikis.  My God, the things that I have seen, it could make your blood go cold.  And most of it was shit that doesn't matter and that the readers never cared about in the first place.  Wikis are a silly place.

**  Recently I had a whole walkthrough deleted due to homophobic statements I made that have no right to exist for any reason.  Two years ago, I rewrote a different walkthrough for the same reason, but I never made it to the other one, which was starting to get complaints from a concerned anonymous gentleman or lady.  I never really ever wanted to offend or hurt anybody, and still don't so the walkthrough is gone.  Forever.

*** Originally this said my real name.  But since lately I've become a little more prudent about just giving my name out on the Web, its been admended to say "Blue".  All other instances have been changed as well.  At one point I say my name and explain that I go by "BlueHighwind" when talking to morons.  That has since been changed to "Lord Applesause" because the original version was needlessly cruel.

**** "Wings" was a pretty obvious metaphor for Admin powers that I lusted for so greatly during my FFWiki time.  At this point it was clear to me that I would never attain that goal.  The FFWiki is weirdly hesitant to give Staff Member status to its users, as par tradition.  I never understood why.  Even if having too many Admins would lead to mismanagement, it won't matter because they're a FINAL FANTASY WIKI.  Nobody cares.  No matter how many bad the decisions are, its just a wiki.  Chill out, people.  No wonder I haven't edited the articles of that wiki for roughly a year now.

Though occasionally I do vandalize their articles.  Its just a way of saying "I still love you, guys".