Bleach Recaps: Ep. 198, YOU JELLY GUMGUM?

So last night I saw "Evangelion 2.0", or "the most awesome goddamn movie ever".  Now tragically instead of reviewing that masterpiece of anime brilliance, I must instead talk about this masterpiece of anime ridiculous nonsense.  This... is going to be a hard recap.  "Evangelion" review is tomorrow:  I don't have enough time in my day to write two whole posts and when I miss even a day with the "Bleach" recaps, people always get upset.  Since you're concern touches me in places (some private), I'm bending over backwards to give you what you want.

On "Bleach" last night we saw the exciting and glorious return of Asuka Langley Soryu, now renamed "Asuka Langley Shikinami" for no reason other than to start flame wars amongst the dumber members of the fanbase.  Shinji finds living with this hot-tempered...

Wait, dammit, recapping the wrong thing.  Sorry, I'll start again.

Last week on "Bleach" Byakuya proved the superiority of White Men Soul Reapers while fighting Shaq.  Shaq's plan of turning himself into a large pink pillows covered in eyes completely failed because he was too stupid to use it effectively, then totally forgot that he had a sword and got pwned by Byakuya's Bankai.  Somehow however, Zommari has survived this attack, so now the remainder of the fight takes up another half of an episode.  Considering that Byakuya lost an arm and a leg last week, Shaq should be able to win this easily with some Shaq Fu, but remember, Shaq Fu was one of the worst games ever made.  So he's going to lose.  Then for the rest of the episode Captain Insano goes off his meds and acts even crazier than usual.

As I mentioned before, Shaq isn't dead.  Byakuya notices that his arm and leg and little sister are still under mind control.  But how?  Well, look:

A testicle Shield!  Of course!  Why didn't I think of that?

So Zommari hid inside his pillow and was able to avoid the blow.  Byakuya, having stupidly put away his Bankai, decides that he doesn't need it to win this fight.  Consider that your entire left side has been paralyzed, I would probably keep up as much fire power as possible.  If Shaq just used his super speed and sword again, he would win in a second.  How fast can you run with one leg?  However, instead he remembers this is "Bleach" and so tries something properly bizarre:

Forehead-eyes!  Of course!  Why didn't I think of that?

Well, despite having some extra eyes, Byakuya has figured out how to make the KAZAM powers completely ineffective.  By summoning a magic wall that blocks the magic.  So Shaq gets really pissed, since he's something of an idiot.  Once his tricks don't work, he stupidly tries the same thing fifty times, instead of, you know, trying something else.  So he screams "Accept my amor!  Accept it!"  Sorry, Shaq, but the only amor Byakuya is going to take is the from the beautiful reflection in the water below him.  Then somehow... ridiculously, Byakuya can suddenly move just as fast as always.  The writers forgot he crippled himself, that's basically the only explanation.  Shaq, seeing that he's beaten thanks to the random asspulls of Tite Kubo, decides to beg for mercy.

"Why do you Soul Reapers have the right to kill us Hollows?" Shaq asks, which honestly sounds like a good question, until you realize its actually pretty stupid.  Soul Reapers don't need a right to kill Hollows, they just do it to protect their own kind.  They want humans to turn into Soul Reapers when they die, not Hollows, its simple natural competition.  Its like asking why a human has the right to eat chickens.  And much to Shaq's misfortune, Byakuya isn't fighting him over the Hollow vs. Soul Reaper issue, its because he almost killed Rukia.  So you're fucked either way, Shaq-y boy.  Sayonara.  Vaya con Dios or in your case, Vaya con Diablo.

Needless to say, Zommari does not get any mercy.  And so he dies, but not before screaming:  "BANZAI!  BANZAI!  BANZAI!  LONG LIVE LORD AIZEN!  BANZAI!"   Before you even start laughing, he's already gone.  Can't say I'm gonna miss him.  Sexy Insane shows up now to tend to the wounded, including Hanataro who may or may not be dead.  Since he's essential to the Human Instrumentality Project, I rather doubt Hanataro would go out this easy.

Now its time to see the Maryuri vs. Granz battle.  Granz crushes every organ inside the cute little Insano plushie, and it even seems to work for a minute.  The poor newly crowned Pharaoh falls to the ground, seemingly dead while Granz laughs his fruity head off.  But then:

 "FOOLED YOU!!!"

Yeah, Insano is perfectly fine.  But why?  Granz crushed the toy organs, the guy should be nothing but a bag of skin and ooze at this point.  Well, turns out that Mayuri secretly put Surveillance Bacteria (okay) in Uryu back in the Soul Society season.  So he's seen everything that Uryu has done up until now, including the things he does with pictures of Orihime in the bathroom.  Insano saw the battle, and saw Granz's organ munching powers, so planned a brilliant strategy:  simply duplicate his organs!  That way when Granz crushes the toys, he'll be perfectly fine!  Who cares if that's impossible unbelievably stupid Troll Science, if Tite Kubo decries it, it shall be so!

DON'T KNOW HOW BEAT PLUSHIE VOODOO?  ARMS NO SCHWOOPY LOOPY?  STEAL ACQUIRE MAGNET FOR DOUBLE ORGANS!  ESPADA GO BANKRUPT!  ORGAN DONERS GO BANKRUPT!  SCIENCE GO BANKRUPT!  PROBLEM?  U JELLY, GRANZFAG?

Uryu attempts to argue his case against this awful invasion of his privacy and the privacy of his secret pictures of Orihime in the shower, but only gets this reaction:

 

"SHE'S NOT A CHRISTIAN!!!"

So yeah...  Mayuri always was a bit wacky, but now he's gone full-on lunatic clown now.  Maybe having two brains at the same time and having one of them exploded with voodoo drove over the edge.  Well, Mayuri then summons his big insane worm Bankai, which poisons Granz leaving him to fester and die horribly.  And yet, I still think that Granz can die just a bit more painfully.  Still there's some satisfaction in seeing his pants turn brown from the impending death:

mommy.

So yeah, Granz is screwed, and we can all be thankful for that.  Hopefully next episode we'll be back with Kenny, because his episodes at least make sense.  Plus its Kenny!  You don't get more awesome than that!  Here's to next week.