Bleach Recaps: Ep. 199, Mazeltov Its a Granz!

I've mentioned this before in posts, but what I feel to be the greatest piece of literature of the 21st century is a certain fanfic called "Light and Dark:  the Adventures of Dark Yagami".  I bring this up because what makes "Light and Dark" great is its completely and total insanity.  In the latest chapter, "The Mystery Deepers", a character gets the upper hand in a fight by taking off his left hand and turning into a hand grenade (get it?).  "WELL THERES PlENTY MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM roared blud but that wasn't really true cos there was only one hand left…"  Last night while watching "Bleach", I realized this show runs by the same ludicrous logic.  Tite Kubo writes this show completely without any concern for sanity, reasonable sequences of events, or common sense.  Next episode Ichigo might eat his own Zanpakuto and transform into a half-human half-sword monster, and it will make just as much sense as what regularly takes place on this show.  "Bleach" is what happens when somebody applies the rules of Calvinball to script writing.

So in tonight's recap, we tell the dramatic and tragic story of one Espada #8, Szayel Aporro Granz.  Granz was a just a pink-haired Hollow who dreamed of being a star.  Unfortunately, as we'll see, his insufferable smugness and creepy rapist demeanor will lead him to the very depths of despair.  Even after being reborn, Granz only will far from an even greater height.  You see, what Granz lacked was only one thing:  Plotkai.  He did not have the skills to just randomly pull out random powers like his opponent, Captain Insano.  The wheel of random plotpoints did not favor Granz this day, and so he failed.  Plotkai is a harsh mistress.  She only gives her favor to those whom Tite Kubo prefers.  Sadly, Granz's theatrics and wacky homoerotic transformations did not endear himself to the fanbase, and Plotkai abandoned him.

Let us begin from the beginning:

Lt. Tall and Sexy wakes up Rukia using her White Magic.  When Rukia awakes, she sees...

HANATARO! <_<

Yes, just in case you were worried if Hanataro was okay, turns out he is.  I thought Rukia had killed him two weeks ago, but luckily the Plotkai was strong with this one.  Squad 4's magic is going to prove to be an especially powerful Plotkai device in the years to come, since no good guy can ever die thanks to it.  Even if you get cut in half, the healing Plotkai will always save you.  Byakkuya is saved as well, but sadly he's lost his uniform.  Rukia is concerned, but he doesn't mind.  That Captain suit was not nearly as pretty as he was, so he gives it no concern.

Cutting to the other fronts, we see Kenny fighting Spoony in a grand duel of wacky smiling:

Spoony, I dare say, has won this.

They continue their fighting without much changing.  At one point Kenny thinks he almost has the Spoonmeister, but the sand gets in the way.  We are nowhere near a conclusion on this front.  Meanwhile, Orihime finally remembers that she too has Plotkai healing powers and decides to save Ichigo.  Took her almost a month to remember she could do that.  Oh, Orihime, you lovable ditz!  But Ichigo wants Orihime to use Plotkai on Nel first.  Maybe Orihime's Plotkai can break the Plotkai curse that keeps Nel three-years-old.  Just a thought.

Oddly Ichigo completely forgets that Grimmjow is also lying around here someplace bleeding to death as well.  Poor Grimmjow, utterly forgotten by Tite Kubo and thus the entire universe.  I'll keep your flame burning even if I'm the only one.

Switching fronts again, we now rejoin Captain Insano and the seemingly concluded battle against Granz.  While everybody cheerfully argues over getting an antidote for Mayuri's poison, the giant yellow baby Bankai is devouring what's left of Espada #8:

Mmmm... Granz.  Prepared just the way Grandma used to make it.

But then, just when everything seems nice and finished and tied up with a poka-dot bow, Nemu starts having an explosive orgasm.  Wait no, those aren't moans of pleasure, they're of pain.  Horrible horrible pain as she starts giving birth from her mouth to a cloud of purple smoke.  Don't tell me Majin Buu has found yet another form!

"Bleach" completes its WTF quotient for the week.

The cloud condences into a bastula, which then grows into Granz.  Turns out he has a secret power called Peter Gabriel which allows him to be functionally immortal.  Whenever he dies, he simply impregnates a person around him and they give birth to him through the horrifying process seen above.  Of course, the comics depicted this with a lot more gruesome detail, we miss out on Nemu growing a huge belly and turning into a dead husk.  I don't know if I should be thankful...  Nemu is half-dead, since Granz basically sucked out all her life force leaving her barely breathing.  So technically this means that Nemu is now Granz's mom, and that Captain Insano is his grandpa.  This fight has now become more inbred than a West Virginian trailer park.  Can we smooth this along possibly?

Granz is gloating like a bastard about this too:

"HAHA, I raped your daughter!  And she gave birth to me!  HAHA!"

Guess how Insano reacts.  "HOW DELIGHTFUL!!!"

Insano is calling Granz's bullshit once and for all.  You see, even though Granz is back to life, he doesn't actually have any powers.  The Espada tries taking control of the yellow baby caterpillar, only to see Insano blow it up.  Unfortunately the Captain is right, Granz, once you get past all the boasting, really isn't all that much of a threat.  What the Hell can he do?  So then Insano decides to fire back with some Plotkai of his own.  What comes next is an asspull to end all asspulls.

You see, before coming here, Mayuri injected Nemu with some experimental liquid just in case she ever got eaten or impregnated.  The stuff super enhances a person's senses so that one second takes a hundred years to their perspective.  You have some information coming in so fast that you cannot even move.  So Insano does the only logical thing:  slowly torture Granz for lasting way too long.  So then Insano sticks a sword into Granz's hand, and slowly, very slowly stabs it until it reaches the Espada's heart.  Since Granz already is helpless and already is experiencing this agony for basically an eternity, things are not getting any better with the Mad Pharoah taking his time.  He's really savoring the sheer lunacy of this entire thing.  "Enjoy the everlasting agony of my sword slicing through your heart.  Savor it, until your heart turns to dust.  For now, I bid you adieu."

In a way, I think Granz's torture here is a metaphor for the audience's torture.  It feels like forever since we first met Granz, and I haven't liked him one bit.  Every moment of being in his presense has been unpleasant.  Granz has been fighting this one battle since Episode 159.  Can you believe that?  Renji found him first, then Uryu joined in, and now Insano is finally finishing the job, forty episodes later.  To translate that into time, Renji started fighting Granz back in October 24th, 2009.  Its now April, 2011!!  This motherfucker needs to die already!

Just remind me in the future to never fuck around with Captain Insano.  Here's to next week.

"Yes, YES!  Let me taste your tears, Granz.
Your tears taste so yummy and sweet!"