GILGAMESH: THE GAME

Welcome to 420.  In honor of this stoner holiday*, we have another episode of Fanwank Corner, where I let my mind free and think of some insanely cool new movie or game that will never ever actually be made.

Its been a year or so since I outlined what "Final Fantasy XV" should be, and well... Square Enix never called.  However, I have plenty of other ideas of how to save the Final Fantasy series.  The one that seems to be the most creatively fertile in my mind however, is a little gem I called "GILGAMESH:  THE GAME" - a game so awesome about a protagonist so awesome that you must write it in all-caps.  Thems are the rules.  For years clearly the true star of the Final Fantasy franchise has not been any of the bland prettyboy protagonists - "Dissidia" proved that ultimately if you gather all the heroes of the series together, you'll end up with a story so dull that you'll be hard pressed to even tell them apart.  No, the true star is a far more ridiculous mutlitverse traveler who owns as many swords as he does arms.  And then SE decides to make the star of their next Final Fantasy this guy?  Lame-brain emo McPussypants?  Why does Cloud Strife's hair stylist hate him so much?  Screw that!  If this series is ever going to return to glory, you know who the next star must be.

Now obviously "GILGAMESH:  THE GAME" would be a bit difficult to make into a standard RPG.  For one, Gilgamesh is so awesome that I cannot really imagine him having to share plot duties with a weird of bunch of standard RPG heroes.  Is he really going to join up with three girls, a furry, an old guy, and the Token Dragoon?  No, he's flying solo for this mission.  That means, of course, that this would be an Action-Adventure game.  Also Action games are just better, ultimately.  If you have a problem with that, please complain in the Comments so that I can laugh at you.  Gilgamesh has been sitting on the sidelines for too long, if he's getting his own game, it needs to be entirely about him.  So action-adventure Gilgamesh game it will be.  Now all we need to do is decide the storyline, the setting, the gameplay, the art style, and well... everything.  Luckily I still have a whole post in which to do it!

I think we can basically rule out all of the other Final Fantasy worlds for this one.  Starting fresh would be best, since that way I don't need to deal with the preestablished characters and world rules and whatever.  This way I also get to avoid the annoying pestering of gnats when every single fanbase complains that I picked one Final Fantasy over another.  I'm thinking that Gilgamesh, while traveling through the Interdenominational Rift he got caught in back in "Final Fantasy V", eventually wanders to a new world - a world that needs a hero.  Unfortunately there's nobody else around who can do it, so Gilgamesh has to step it up and save the day.  I'm thinking kind of an Old Western style of plot here:  Gilgamesh rides into town, sees bad guys, then beats bad guys.  Then he rides back into the sunset... which is actually the Rift.

For whatever reason I'm thinking the setting of this game should be a large tropical island.  Maybe only one or two towns, a large forbidding castle someplace, and lots of danger zones to play through.  Naturally there will be all the typically Final Fantasy fauna:  Moogles, Chocobos, Tonberries, and at least one mustachioed-cactus.  The townsfolk are all peaceful humble fishermen, they don't want trouble.  But trouble has come to their lovely island as a flotilla of Imperial Airships** have come from beyond the sea, looking for an ancient evil that was buried on the island some millennia ago.  Naturally despite Gilgy's best efforts, that evil will be awakened and become the final boss.  And the commander of this expeditition, the vile General Evil (whose name needs some work, I admit), had kidnapped the town beauty.   General Evil is a white-haired pretty boy, naturally, but absolutely insane and so evil that even the ancient demon that was buried on the island looks good in comparison.  When Gilgamesh appears on the island after once again falling out of the Void, he finds himself with little choice but to fight the enemy.  Plus the main villain has an awesome sword that Gilgamesh wants in his collection.

Pretty basic storyline, not much to it.  I don't think Gilgamesh will really learn any lessons, since he's little more than a comic relief.  Of course he'll call himself a great warrior and hero, but nobody will actually believe him.  Even after he saves the girl, there's no way she's falling in love with him.  At the end, I rather doubt Gilgamesh will even get recognized as a hero at all, and probably will only fall unceremoniously back in the Rift for more adventures.  The guy is a walking joke after all, and is completely impossible to take seriously.  So that means, thank god, no angst of any kind!  YAY!

I'm thinking that Gilgamesh needs a lovable sidekick/mode of transportation.  Luckily in the games he has Enkidu, a beastly creature that follows him around.  Previously Enkidu was a monster in FFV, and a wolf in FFXII (because in FFXII, every enemy was a wolf).  I'm thinking for "GILGAMESH:  THE GAME", Enkidu should be either a large ridable pig or a dragon that you can fly on.  Hopefully Enkidu can actually survive, because it would be a bit sad to see him go.

As for the game structure, it can be pretty easily divided up.  Early on Gilgamesh gets every one of his swords stolen and they're scattered to all the nastiest parts of the island.  So he has to traverse the devil, enter the volcano, fight the sea creatures in order to get back his blades.  The blades, are of course, references to old Final Fantasy weapons like the Buster Sword, the Gunblade, and maybe an Ultima or two.  Each one of the swords gives Gilgamesh a new skill of some kind.  The Buster Sword can smash rocks and break walls.  The Gunblade gives ranged attacks for puzzles.  And something has to double as a hookshot.  Gilgamesh has had a very long journey to find the Excalibur and never quite makes it.  Instead he uses finds an Exalipoor, a cheap imitation that can only do 1 HP of damage.  I would like to see Gilgamesh actually succeed, but if its impossible, so be it.  Naturally Gilgamesh's travels put him at odds against the Imperial forces in the area, and soon enough he's fighting them head on.

I'm thinking that for the final battle that four arms just aren't enough.  In fact, eight aren't enough either.  I think sixteen is a reasonable figure, don't you?  Gilgamesh in his final form is practically a millipede, with arms just everywhere all swinging swords like a maniac.  If you aren't going to go beyond insanity itself, why even make a video game?  Naturally the final boss needs to be something so awful that even that amount of raw power isn't enough.

Obviously this isn't going to be the most serious game ever made.  As a matter of fact, I'm hoping the art style can be as cartoony as possible.  Something "Final Fantasy IX"-ish or even more so.  Recent Final Fantasies have been trying to hard for photo-realism for no reason I can really understand.  This game will be silly and look silly.  Think "Wind Waker" or "Okami".  Great style, but not realistic.  There's nothing wrong with being ridiculous.  For example, I would like to see the Chocobo Copter find its way into this title.  Actually a lot of the early FFIX design documents like this and this really capture exactly the mood I want this game to have.

"GILGAMESH:  THE GAME" will be in stores the same day that "Versus XIII" is released.  That is to say never.  Sorry.  Honestly I think there's something to this project, but then again, I'm just a guy on the Internet.  Oh well.

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* Which for reasons that have never been explained to me falls on Hitler's Birthday.  What about the birth of the man who is popularly considered to be the Worst Human Being Ever makes stoners want to celebrate?  You might respond with, "but, Blue, doesn't Passover also fall on Hitler's Birthday this year?"  Well, 1) its eight days long, 2) doesn't always fall on 420, and 3) we Jews had it first.

** Goddamn I love "Final Fantasy XII".