Bleach Recaps: Ep. 215, Orihime Cures Insomnia

Oh look, I'm actually on time for once!

Well, tonight you'd think the war would start, right?  Well, you'd be wrong!  Because "Bleach" don't roll like that!  Instead we first gotta have the two sides standing around for an episode while Orihime makes a horrifically boring speech to eat up time so that Ichigo can save her.  Oh, then Ulquiorra makes bad touch on Orihime.  All around fun, I guess.  The best way is get through "Bleach" without losing your mind is to forget how much it sucks for a few minutes.  Simply let go of your mind.  Put it in a cabinet someplace.  Though you'll probably want to find it again before "DURRR" starts, because that's a show you'll need your brain for.  Make sure it becomes scarce again for "Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood", that's important.  Adult Swim Saturday nights are murder on your skull.

Oh, but the biggest new thing about "Bleach" this week is not that we've finally returned to the main plotline.  I guess that's interesting to some, but I have something far more monumental in mind.  NEW OPENING SONG!  Yes, from now on I never have to hear goddamn "Velonica" ever again.  The new song is called "Shoujo S", and its miles away the best opening to this show since the first one.  Not to mention that this opening animation is friggin' hot.  Orihime and Rukia are cutting it up on the dance floor in what ironically enough is the most fluid motions "Bleach" has ever created.  This is fitting because the original Japanese music video is SMOKIN' HOT.  Japanese girls, rain, school girl uniforms, electric guitars, ohhhhhhhhh...

Excuse me for a sec, I need to change my pants...

Set that dance floor on FIRE, baby!

Goddamn, Orihime.  I'd totally give this chick like nine shots of vodka against her weak embarrassed objections, take her to a club, grind all night long. and...  I guess I should stop right there.  Isn't she technically fifteen?  AHH!!  THE JAILBAIT IS TOO STRONG!!

*ahem*

Moving on.

So after a really long recap, we cut over to a place some twenty-miles outside of Karakura Town.  A ghost girl is chased by a small gaggle of Hollows, who explode suddenly.  It seems that the battle between Aizen and the Soul Reapers is so intense that spiritual beings this far away are being destroyed.  Whatever is happening is just that cool.  Joining Ghostie is an old friend:

Hey look its... um... ah... ...um... that guy!  Remember him?

Yeah, That Guy is back.  That Guy was a one-shot Soul Reaper character who showed up in Season 1.  Since he's technically an anime-only character, That Guy never returned again.  He was able to beat Ichigo back when Ichigo used his classic oversized sword, but those days are far over.  In turns of Power Level, That Guy is probably as tough as Hanataro.  So really all That Guy is here to do is build tension... and look at a preteen's panties.  Man, I thought I was creepy.  You know what, That Guy?  Go away forever, you're gross.

Now finally we get to see the war.  Despite That Guy's claims of a serious battle going on, everybody is still floating around, nobody has made a single move.  To my shock, Yamamoto actually does something that isn't massively obstructionist and is actually useful:  he launches a huge fireball that devours Gin, Aizen, and Tosen.  Why is Yamamoto being so... non-Load-ish?  I bet this battle is making him miss "Glenn Beck", and he wants to be home in time to see the late night rerun.

Oh look, the war is over already.

Exactly when I thought that Aizen's grand attack against the Soul Reapers had ended in thirty seconds, it turns out that Yamamoto's attack had only pinned the commanders for awhile.  Aizen of course is completely smug and couldn't really care one way or another.  He even makes a bet with Gin that the three Espada can take care of the battle entirely on their own.  Of course, if Aizen is so brilliant, why did he let himself get captured in the first place?  Why not simply use that Perfect Hypnosis to escape?

Oh wait, I'm thinking again, got to stop that.  Annoying habit.

;_;

And that's really all we see of the great battle of ultimate Destiny.  We now cut to Ulquiorra, who is holding Las Noches for Aizen and currently holding Orihime.  The Sad Clown kinda stares at Orihime for a minute.  He thinks to himself:  "Okay, Ulqy, here's your big chance.  You got her all alone here.  Come on, think of a good opening, something smooth.  Something that lets her know you're cool.  Um...  Got it!"  Then he stupidly asks:  "Are you afraid?  You're going to die."  "Loser, loser, loser, loser, loser!  Oh, I am such an idiot!  Why the Hell did I say that?  Who says something like that?  She must think I'm a total creep now!"

This opens the floodgates.  Pagliacci just had to give Orihime an open-ended question, didn't he?  She starts talking about how she isn't isn't afraid.  Then she talks about how her friends are so cool.  Then she keeps talking... and talking and talking and talking and talking and talkingandtalkingandtalkingandtalkingandtalkingandtalking.  Oh my God, this is pure torture here.  Seriously, I began to wonder if perhaps the warm motherly embrace of Death would be better than the endless misery that is Orihime's speech.  SHUT UP!!  SHUT UP!!  If I ever need to fall asleep, I know exactly what part of this episode I need to play.

Anyway, Ichigo is flying at full Superman to save Orihime.  Unfortunately he's stopped along the way by some more enemies.

PETA attacks!

The Skulls are here to kill Ichigo.  Their leader even claims to own Ichigo's life now, presumably having bought it in a dirty Arrancar flea market somewhere.  Ichigo fights a bit, and it looks like it might be a cool time for a "Kill Bill" Crazy 88-style battle in the sky, with Ichigo murdering all of PETA.  But then, Renji, Chad, and Rukia jump in to fight on Ichigo's behalf.  Yup, the B-squad has a plotline now, they get to fight the skull folks.  Weirdly the most powerful Soul Reapers, like Captain Kenny, didn't come along.  I guess they're off playing Bingo or something.  Well, Ichigo keeps flying, he's got a Sad Clown to beat up.

Back with Ulquiorra and Orihime, Ulquiorra is rejecting Orihime's speech.  He mentions that his Ultimate Eye sees all, but he can't see the Heart or Friendship or whatever bullshit Orihime was talking about earlier (I wasn't listening, only crying).  Then his hand goes to... a place:

"Hands to yourself!"

Whoa, what is happening here?  Ulqy sure has gained confidence all of a sudden.  "Oh man, I can't believe she's letting me do this!  I know exactly what parts I need to touch first!  Oh, they both look so supple and round and huge."

  "Oh, what sexy eyes!"

Um... yeah.  That happened.  And that wasn't weird or anything.  Ichigo blasts right through the floor, ending the episode.  Good thing he didn't fly in when Ulquiorra was about to grope Orihime, or else that would have gotten awkward.  Man, imagine the wackiness!

So now we've set up Rukia, Chad, and Renji vs PETA and Ichigo vs the miserable harlequin.  I guess in Fake Karakura Town we'll set up a million other fights.  Next week, the clusterfuck should begin with full power.  Here's to next week, when hopefully we all can be collectively less creepy around Orihime.