Konso Cop Karakurizer Recaps: Ep. 2, Rape is OK When Its Girl on Girl

Seriously.  Do we really need to watch this show, or can I simply skip to 12:30 and watch "Durarara!!", or as I like to call it "DURRR!!"?

Well, as it turns out, we can't.  Because much to my shock, this episode didn't suck half as much as I thought.  Even in the midsts of a bizarre Super Sentai parody show, "Bleach" actually managed to create a storyline that was semi-coherent that had a whole two funny moments, which is better than last week.  I still do not think that this duology of randomness was entirely necessary, but I can respect an attempt to write something that at least makes sense and barely links up with the larger plotline.  I still think Katakurizer is a complete non-sequitur that cannot possibly be canon with the rest of the "Bleach" universe, but this was okay enough.  The characters might be dressed as the Prince of Space, but this show tried its best.

Last week Kon was, for reasons still unclear to me, made into a cheesy Japanese superhero named "Karakurizer".  I don't entirely know what that means, or that significance the term "Konso Cop" adds to the title of these weird episodes.  Is Kon somehow a member of the Ethiopian Konso tribe?  Nobody ever asks these questions, I don't know why I have to be the one.  Anyway, Kon fought a 2D monster for some reason, then fought a bunch of dinosaurs.  Then a bunch of other characters turned out be superheros, and floating Doom Fortress beat up Nabashin from "Excel Saga".  At this point I finally went insane, turned into a poptart-cat and farted out a rainbow as I flew through the cosmos singing a catchy song.  Later I returned to human form, and started this recap.  (Also at some point I returned to the United States, in case you're keeping score on that one.)

Since the narrator seems to have disliked last week's "Bleach" even more than me, his recap is an utterly insane combination of ideas that - surprisingly - makes more sense than what actually happened last week.  Kon flies through space, takes over Ichigo's body with a space ray, and then gets hit in the head:

"You will pay dearly for last week's episode!!"

Then he's captured by Urahara and... this happens:

Agony in Kon*.

At this point Kon appears dressed in his Prince of Space outfit.  Now he has to kill 108 Hollows in order to avenge the death of Dr. Urahara's daughter.  Does this sound like a better plot than what we've actually had so far?  Well, Kon isn't happy about it, so he breaks the fourth wall demanding to know what's going on.  Apparently people need the recaps at the start of the episode to know what's going on if they missed last week's episode (lucky them).  But there's always me!  They don't need "Bleach"'s recaps, I do have a purpose here, don't I?  Well, at this point the narrator does the recap, in the span of ten seconds.  If only they were all that quick.

"Can you believe how much this show sucks??"

That was the first of two legitimately funny moments.  We still have a long show to get through, but this was a good start.  I wish all the recaps were this entertaining, that way I wouldn't have to start watching "Bleach" at 12:05 every night.  Anyway, in the show proper, the Voltron Force are standing around the very TV that Kon just was yelling at.  Nabashin is off to the side, getting bandaged.  He isn't dead, being the Director.  Now they get a briefing on the foe they must face:

"Many Bothans died to bring us this information."

That thing is the Giant Hollow Doom Fortress, or something similar to that effect.  Its a Death Star made out of thousands of tiny regular Hollows designed to blow up Karakura Town.  In a few hours, the Hollow Star will be too strong to be defeated.  So with the Power of Friendship, yes Friendship, the fight must be won or the world ends.  I guess its two shades less corny than Love, but still hardly as cool as say, the Power of Napalm.  I always wondered, why don't animes ever use other generic positive emotions as weapons other than Friendship?  Why not defeat the evil with the Power of Good Hygiene, or the Awesome Might of Courtesy to Elders?  I guess it doesn't matter.  Ignore the fact that only Tatsuki, Lesbo, and Keigo are actually friends, while Don Kannoji is only a minor celebrity.  Kon are actually more of an acquaintance to the others, and they don't particularly like him either.  As for Ururu, I don't know if she's even met the others in this crew.  If Friendship is their power, these folks better start hanging out.

Tatsuki then finds Kon like this:

In tonight's episode, the role of Rukia will be played by Kon's left hand.

Surprisingly, this leads into what actually is a serious scene.  Tatsuki is mad that Kon is using Ichigo's body, and she brings up her sadness that the plot has basically left her behind.  Once upon a time, Tatsuki was a key character in this show, now she only shows up for filler like this.  I'd be angry too that I was so wasted by the Kubo.  But at least you're not dying forgotten in a ditch someplace like Grimmjow, right?

Kon walks over to visit Keigo, who is hanging out with a sleeping Nabashin because "nobody cares about him".  Turns out Keigo was basically forced into this Karakurizer gig, and Lesbo came with him.  Speaking of her, she walks in with Tatsuki, while they were out "picking flowers".  Kon adds "in the bathroom, huh?"  Wait a second, picking flowers, bathroom, Lesbo... WHAT WONDERFUL THING JUST HAPPENED OFF-CAMERA??  Why didn't I get to see it???  AHHHHH!!

Well, its battle time.  Titan Force Five flies into action, moving straight into an entire flying armada of Hollows.  Ururu and Little Richard fight the monsters, and Ururu actually kicks some real ass.  Random question:  just what is Ururu?  Is she a human?  If so, why is she so strong?  Is she a Soul Reaper?  If so, why no sword?  Its never been made clear just where Ururu and Jinta came from, and I seem to be the only one who ever wonders.  I guess Urahara made them somehow.

Inside the Doom Fortress another group of Hollows attacks.  Tatsuki reveals herself to be the Japanese Buttercup by tearing them all to pieces.  So this episode doesn't suck immediately because I managed to sneak a "Powerpuff Girls" reference in.

Then in walks the Supreme Commander of the Hollow invaders.  It isn't quite Rita Repulsa, but it is an Arrancar Bunny Lady.  At first you might think that the Playboy Bunny might be a real threat, since Arrancars technically are strong enough to kill humans with touch alone... but you underestimate the power of Lesbian Lust:

"BOOBALICIOUS!"

Yeah, so that happens.  The Arrancar Lady is repeatedly raped over and over again, off-camera.  Keigo, being a wuss, feels bad for Bunnycar, though I have to say I have never envied a "Bleach" character more.  I don't actually know what happens to the Bunnycar, since she's never seen again.  Even after the battle is won, you don't see her.  I assume she's currently locked in Lesbo's closet, tied up in preparation for many future rapes.  Her life will be a nightmare of lesbian fury, so I guess this is a victory for Good.

This leaves only Kon to go ahead and blow up the Core.  Turns out the Core is just a thing floating in a jar, she the victory should be easy:

Jenova?

Before Kon can slay Sephiroth's Mommy, a giant Hollow appears and shoots lasers.  Kon runs around a lot, then finally shoots his laser and wins, with a little help from the Power of Friendship or something equally wacky.  Well, the Fortress is defeated, but now its falling onto Karakura Town, ready to create an Endor Holocaust that basically will complete Aizen's goals anyway.  Oh wait, Urahara blows up the Fortress in ten seconds using his Shikai.  So technically this entire episode was pointless because Urahara could have solved the problem in thirty seconds anyway.

Turns out that Urahara was busy building that Fake Karakura Town that will be the sight of many great and awesome battles... next week.  For now, the tale of Konso Cop Karakurizer has come to an end.  Everybody will forget that this ever happened.  This is good, because Chizuru, the Lesbo, doesn't actually know what Hollows are, because she doesn't have Spiritual Pressure of any kind.  Now "Bleach" won't have to explain that plothole.

Now let us forget that any of this ever happened and move on with our lives.  That will be best, I think.

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* God bless you if you don't get this reference.  Don't even try to learn what its about.