Konso Cop Karakurizer Recaps: Ep. 1, What Is This? I Don't Even...

Did I actually watch an episode of "Bleach" or did I eat a bad falafel and hallucinate the entire thing?  Obviously whatever it was, it couldn't have been "Bleach", right?  Adult Swim must have suddenly canceled the show and replaced it with some other inferior show.  Maybe this is an elaborate prank created by the Internet to fool me, since I can't actually watch "Bleach" when it airs.  Either I have finally lose my mind, or the universe fundamentally is a place without logic or reason.  Ultimately, I don't think there can be an explanation for what I witnessed.  Its a bizarre literary mystery that will be studied forever by endless scholars in desperate attempts to construct an explanation for its existence.  Did James Joyce write this episode?  I bet he hopes he did, because "Finnegans Wake" has got nothing on the Karakurizer.  Heck, a collection of Jackson Pollock paintings bound together in a flip book would make a more coherent episode of television.

In order to unravel a great mystery, one must begin by stating the facts that we know.  This can create a rational basis by which we can stand while dealing with the horribly horribly irrational.  Obviously this is a filler episode.  It stars Kon, and shows what happened to him while Ichigo was away fighting in Hueco Mundo.  At some point Kon is given a ridiculous Japanese suit and has to fight monsters... I think.  This might be a tongue in cheek reference to crappy Japanese superhero shows like... um... that show "Power Rangers" is based off.  Don't ask me to actually remember its name.  I would like to extrapolate a bit further by saying that this episode is possibly a parody and sucked on purpose but I feel that might be falling right into Studio Perriot's trap here.  Unless Studio Perriot hates shows like "G-Force" as much as I do, I really don't think I'll be in on the joke this time.

Well anyway... somehow or another, I'll recap "Konso Cop Karakurizer".  ...You have no idea how much it hurts to type that stupidity.

Ichigo, Uryu, and Chad all fly into the mouth of the big tear in the fabric of existence that Urahara has made.  Then Urahara sits back and plans for something big.  I see Urahara has well gotten over the huge mindfucking Aizen gave him last week, good for him.  Its a big odd seeing the guy in what was supposed to be a big drama moment then seconds later in the goofiest nonsense ever, but I think I have bigger things to worry about.

Kon has a wetdream about Rukia* doing this to his little plush-filled you-know-what, but then awakes to see a far less sexy figure:  Urahara standing over him.  Then Urahara abuses poor Kon furiously:

 Kon would much rather Rukia do this to him

Well, Kon's little candyball flies out of his mouth.  I assume now Kon is controlling Ichigo's body.  Inside Urahara's geofront, Urahara tells Konchigo that he needs to become a superhero and wear a stupid watch.  Kon, probably remembering that stupid soccer game he suffered through so many episodes back, has this reaction:

Funny, I had this same look on my face all episode

Urahara makes an offhand remark about how being a superhero might score Kon points with the ladies.  Well, I guess being the Great Saiyanman got Gohan Videl, but being Batman sure hasn't helped Bruce Wayne's love life (unless you count Robin).  Kon then jumps at the chance to be chick magnet, he could use the help considering his voice.   And the mention of Rukia seals the deal.

Japan, I dare you to make a porn comic about this single shot.

There's a Hollow alert, so Tessai grabs Kon and throws him out a secret door of the geo-front.  The music  Turns out that the new superhero, Karakurizer is needed to save the day.  I don't which of the nine Hells Urahara dragged out a name as bad as "Karakurizer" and I really don't want to know.  Well, let's go see what Kon's first opponent will be.  Urahara went to all this trouble for a reason right?  He didn't just waste time when he could have been, you know, curing the Visoreds**, or something.  Well, turns out that the big bad hollow is... well, this:

Hollow by Timmy, 2nd Grade

What in the holy of fuck is that?  Its 2D!!  Seriously, are you seeing this thing too?  Did I smoke spiked hookah or something?  There is nothing on "Bleach", before or after that looks anything like this creature before me.  Its just some random art style flub, created only to break my mind.  And goddamnit its working.  I AM FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW!!  This silly hollow with a weird haircut is by far the scariest thing ever!  I can see what that random lady is screaming about, this monster really is a Lovecraftian horror from another universe!  Clearly nothing I'm seeing right now can be canon, this is way too insane.

Kon at this point decides to transform into Karakurizer and defeat the enemy.  Prepare to laugh at this one:

 Space Chief?

Prince of Space?

Yeah... He looks more ridiculous than the monster.  You know what Japan, this isn't exactly saying very good things about your culture.  Is making a genre of heroes this stupid some kind of delayed post-traumatic reaction to Hiroshima?  I mean, Jet Jaguar looks dignified next to this.  Apparently Uryu designed this suit at some point or another.  So Uryu loses a lot of respect from me.

And the music this episode is hideous.  Why no incredible hard rock like the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers?  GO GO POWER RANGERS!!!

As for the Hollow, its actually not that bad of a fellow, I think.  Kinda jerky since he likes to eat pretty girls and picks his nose, but otherwise he's actually rather intelligent for regular Hollows.  And the Hollow is too smart to fall for the usual anime tricks, like he catches Kon monologuing.  He's surprisingly talkative and even gets emotional when Kon kicks him.  I think Timmy's Hollow would make for an excellent recurring character.  But Kon really doesn't like the enemy, promising to kill him before the commercial break (and I can't tell if he succeeded or not).  Still, I'm the on the Hollow's side.  Oh wait, he just got blown to pieces mercilessly by the Karkurarizer.  So much for that.

 Then because he have more time left, a herd of pterodactyl hollows attack.  Kon sadly blew his wad on that Kamehameha Wave that killed the cartoon Hollow, so he's out of skills.  Uryu did make the cape really cool and flow-y, but it doesn't fly.  So I guess Kon is going to get eaten and Karakura Town will be destroyed.  Oh well.

But then, the rest of the Sailor Scouts arrive.  Most of the crowd are veterans from back when this show wasn't completely bananas.  It includes:  Little Richard, Tatsuki, that Lesbian Girl, Ichigo's pussy friend Keigo, and Ururu.  This is when things get really weird.  Yeah, as if they weren't before.

Oh...

...God...

...Somebody...

...Save...

...ME!!!!

Well, I sure feel like I've been raped in five directions at once, how do you feel?  We have Don Kononji, who is Spirit.  Tatsuki who is Beast.  Lesbian who is Erotic (damn straight).  Keigo who is Delicate.  And Ururu is Tiny Devil.  So yeah, basically the names are picked at random.  Lesbian promises to suck out all the negative energy, and goddamnit, that's exactly what I need right now.  I'm so full of negative energy at this point I better get a sucking from this awful episode.  I feel I deserve it for sticking through this long.

By the way, this might be a stupid question but:  when did all these characters get these suits?  When did anybody tell them about the Hollows?  I guess they've all seen a Hollow or two before, but that's not really the point.  How come suddenly like every civilian in the world is fighting evil?  Is this a fever dream?  Am I dead?  WHAT'S GOING ON???

Well, the Power Rangers Lost Galaxy team sure takes care of the dinosaurs.  And for once, it seems that Karakura Town is safe.  But then, a Soul Reaper named "Afro Dude" appears, having been defeated.  I vaguely remember this character, he might only appear in the post-credit scenes that Adult Swim doesn't air.  He's Rukia's replacement in Karakura Town, charged with killing all the Hollows that show up.  Which leads to the question of why we needed the stupid Razor team anyway!!  Afro Dude isn't looking well:

They killed the Director!  NOO!!

Then the real enemy appears.  It appears that Rita has escaped, and we need a team of teenagers with attitude!  Lucky thing we got one right here.  Come Karakurarizer Team, its time to fight!  Go team retard!

And that's that.  Here's to next week, when I promise I won't be so late.

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* This might be a random time to point this out, but I really think that Kon is a far better for Rukia than Ichigo.  Yeah, you Rukia x Ichigo shippers will be mad (both of you), but think about it.  Ichigo has never shown Rukia any particular interest, even while she was sleeping in his closet and he could have made any move he wanted.  Meanwhile Kon has had nothing but the deepest affection for Rukia since day one.  Obviously Rukia is going to marry the stuffed animal, case closed.  And anyway, Ichigo will probably choose Orihime for the tittays.

** Why do the Visoreds need curing anyway?  They seem a lot more powerful this way.